When I was in different surroundings, in surroundings of paintings and works of art, you well know that I then took a violent passion for those surroundings that went as far as enthusiasm.
You’ll be able to understand that yourself. For example, to name one passion among others, I have a more or less irresistible passion for books, and I have a need continually to educate myself, to study, if you like, precisely as I need to eat my bread. But it’s a matter of trying by every means to turn even these passions to good account. Now that being so, what’s to be done, must one consider oneself a dangerous man, incapable of anything at all? I don’t think so. I think that other people may also sometimes do similar foolish things. I do often find myself speaking or acting somewhat too quickly when it would be better to wait more patiently. I, for one, am a man of passions, capable of and liable to do rather foolish things for which I sometimes feel rather sorry. I must now bore you with certain abstract things however, I’d like you to listen to them patiently. Good understanding is infinitely better than misunderstanding. In the first place, then, I’d like to see this good understanding, to say no more, re-established between my father and me, and I would also be very keen that it be re-established between the two of us. Now, although it may be a thing of rather demoralizing difficulty to regain the trust of an entire family perhaps not entirely devoid of prejudices and other similarly honourable and fashionable qualities, nevertheless, I’m not utterly without hope that little by little, slowly and surely, a good understanding may be re-established with this person and that. One may remain in this period of moulting, one may also come out of it renewed, but it’s not to be done in public, however it’s scarcely entertaining, it’s not cheerful, so it’s a matter of making oneself scarce. What moulting is to birds, the time when they change their feathers, that’s adversity or misfortune, hard times, for us human beings. That’s why, first of all, so I’m inclined to believe, it is beneficial and the best and most reasonable position to take, for me to go away and to remain at a proper distance, as if I didn’t exist. Without wishing to, I’ve more or less become some sort of impossible and suspect character in the family, in any event, somebody who isn’t trusted, so how, then, could I be useful to anybody in any way?
Certainly reluctantly, certainly with a rather melancholy feeling, but I’m in some sort of impasse or mess what else can one do?Īnd so it’s to thank you for it that I’m writing to you.Īs you may perhaps know, I’m back in the Borinage my father spoke to me of staying in the vicinity of Etten instead I said no, and I believe I acted thus for the best. I learned at Etten that you had sent fifty francs for me well, I accepted them. If, I say, you yourself hadn’t imposed that necessity. It’s possible that I wouldn’t even have written to you now if it weren’t that I’m under the obligation, the necessity, of writing to you.
Up to a certain point you’ve become a stranger to me, and I too am one to you, perhaps more than you think perhaps it would be better for us not to go on this way. It’s with some reluctance that I write to you, not having done so for so long, and that for many a reason.
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